What To Do If Your House Floods During A Hurricane

Okay, let's be real. You're watching the news. Hurricane's a-comin'. Everyone's panicking. Evacuation orders are flying around like free samples at Costco. You’re thinking, “Do I really need to leave?” And let’s say, hypothetically, you decide not to. Maybe you’re stubborn. Maybe you love a good storm. Or maybe you just REALLY hate packing. Whatever the reason, the water starts creeping in. Now what?

Embrace Your Inner Child (Briefly)

First thing's first: Don’t panic! Easy to say, right? But seriously, freaking out won’t bail out your basement. Instead, think of it as an…unplanned water park. Okay, a very unplanned water park. For about five minutes, let your inner child revel in the novelty. Splash around a little. Try to catch a floating rubber ducky (if you have one. If you don’t, you should. Seriously, everyone needs a rubber ducky).

This is your moment. You're Aquaman (or Aquawoman) dealing with a really inconvenient plumbing issue.

Okay, fun's over. The novelty wears off around the time the furniture starts doing the backstroke. Time to get practical.

Charge All the Things (Before They're Submerged)

Assuming you haven’t already, grab your phone, your portable charger, your kids' tablets… basically anything that requires electricity. Plug them in. All of them. Because once the power goes out, you'll be wishing you had that extra 10% battery to watch cat videos. (Speaking of which, download a few cat videos now. Trust me.)

Head for the High Ground (and the Snacks)

Upstairs, obviously. Find the highest point in your house that isn't the attic (attics get hot and stuffy). And gather the essentials. I'm talking blankets, pillows, maybe a book (if you're into that sort of thing). But most importantly… snacks. A hurricane is basically an enforced staycation. You’re gonna need provisions. Chips, cookies, maybe even that emergency chocolate bar you’ve been hiding from the kids.

Unpopular opinion: This is the perfect time to indulge in those snacks you normally feel guilty about. You're in survival mode! Calories don't count during a hurricane.

The "Grab What You Can" Game

Okay, this is where it gets a little…interesting. Time to wade back downstairs and grab anything you absolutely can't live without. Photos? Important documents? That signed Star Wars poster? Get them upstairs. Pro-tip: Put everything in plastic bags. Multiple plastic bags. You can never have too many plastic bags when dealing with floodwater.

And yes, you can grab your pet. Please grab your pet. They’re probably already hiding under the bed, judging you for your life choices.

Become a Social Media Sensation (Safely, of Course)

If you still have power and internet (lucky you!), document the whole thing. Live-tweet your experience. Instagram the rising floodwaters. Become a viral sensation. Just don’t do anything stupid for the sake of a like. Safety first, people! We’re aiming for internet fame, not internet infamy. And definitely don't go swimming in the floodwater. That's just…icky.

Accept Your Fate (and Order Pizza, If Possible)

Eventually, the water will stop rising (hopefully). The power will probably go out. You’ll be stuck upstairs, surrounded by snacks and slightly damp belongings. At this point, just…accept it. You’re in a hurricane-induced hostage situation with your own house.

If you can still get cell service, try to order pizza. Hey, a girl can dream, right?

The Aftermath: Insurance Claims and Regret

Once the storm passes, the real fun begins. Insurance claims! Mold remediation! The crushing realization that maybe, just maybe, evacuating would have been the smarter choice. But hey, you survived. You have a story to tell. And you probably ate a lot of chocolate. Silver linings, people. Silver linings.

Remember, this is all in good fun. Please, please take hurricane warnings seriously. Evacuate if you are told to evacuate. My unpopular opinion is just a playful look at a serious situation. Stay safe!